Slowly. . .

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster of ups and downs, mostly downs, but I've hit bottom and instead of a big splatter, I bounced.  As my doctor, who is quite the character, joked last week as I lamented my mental state to him, "Brett, I'm sorry, but I have some bad news, you are going to live."

So, I live.

And slowly I am coming to grips with my new empty reality and I must look at it as a new canvas, a vast blank of white to which I can apply my own new colors and hues, shaping my future as I see fit.  What will it be?  Well, that remains to be seen, however the world is an open place filled with opportunity and adventure and with some careful planning I'll find what is right for me and the sun will once again shine on my infant garden.

In a moment of creative clarity the other day I wrote, "The road to redemption is a long, two-way street and littered with the wreckage of failure, so keep you eyes open and look out for those making u-turns."  I think I would like to amend that to say, ". . .and look out for those going the wrong way." Seems to work better for me.

I would like to thank some special people for their encouragement and support.  Sometimes when you think you are most alone is really when you have the most love and warmth surrounding you, although it is difficult to see and feel because of the cold opacity of emotional turmoil.

Of course, a great thank you to my family.   Mom, dad, sister and even my old hard ass brother gave me great encouragement and support.

My friend Esra in Turkey, who, from the first day we met could read me like a 3 page novel and could do it in 4 languages, offered the greatest advice about moving on and that was to simply "keep moving" no matter what is it, writing, photography, travel, just get out there and do something, anything, keep busy.

A total stranger but now a pal from Oregon named Gary, emailed me to say he has been following my blog for a some time and shared some of his personal experiences and imagery of children's suffering he has witnessed that totally pales anything that I am going through.  Thank you for the perspective Gary, it was much needed and appreciated.

Greasy and Debbie, thanks!

There are others that I have not mentioned, but the gratitude I feel is undiminished and genuine.  Thanks to all of you.

I never realized how much enjoyment people get from reading about my cats, gardening and my misadventures in love and life and that in and of itself is encouraging, so with that, I have elected to drive this blog further to the edge of creativity and life experience.  So, stay tuned for the bigger and better Burning Toast.

Now, for me?  Well, it's time to get moving and sometimes the hardest step to make is the first, but I've taken it and off I go, slowly.