"Americans used to say where there's a will, there's a way. Nowadays, it's where there's a pill, there's a way out." - - Burnt Toast


What is that? Just another day right? A rather mundane day isn't it? Tucked right in there between Monday the Heinous and Wednesday the Hump. I bet Tuesday feels left out because of its relative insignificance. Even Thursday gets props every now and then because it is "almost Friday!"

Poor poor Tuesday.

Would you believe that Tuesday is named for Mars, the Roman god of war? At least in the Latin based languages it is. Martes is Spanish for Tuesday . From Old English (and I ain't talking about that shitty malt liquor) it is derived from Tiw's Day, or Tiwaz or Tyr, a god of war and law. Such a strange name for what is a relatively and generally benign day of the week.

This makes me want to spice Tuesday up a little bit. Let's make war on something!

I made mention of the company refrigerator a day or so ago and anyone who has worked in an office setting knows the horrors of the kitchen fridge. These convenient cooling apparatuses are useful for storing beverages (or brebages: a joke only three people understand), food products and the occasional needle of heroin insulin. These communal boxes oftentimes are turned into impromptu science experiments as more and more food, some half-eaten, some not touched for eons, gets piled upon and piled upon by more food and before you know it the thing is a very much living and breathing creature. I am sure living in our fridge is a yet to be discovered antibiotic to fight the latest strains of flesh eating bacteria.

I looked in our refrigerator the other day ignoring the rampant decay and miscellaneous swollen bags of indescribable goo to find this oddity. . .

What kind of a society do we live in where there is a market for pre-prepared peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? What disturbs me most is not the fact that we have become so lazy we can't even slap together two pieces of bread to make one of the most satisfying creations of all time, but that in some far away factory there is a giant, humming whirligig sawing the crusts off these sandwiches. Are we that lazy?

Do you understand how much time and effort was put into the development, testing and eventual production of this gastronomic monstrosity? The cost is probably in the tens of millions of dollars from start to finish in labor and time costs, development studies, blind taste panels, measurement, weighing, and calculation, packaging, recipe formulation and in the end, a multi-million dollar rotating and vibrating knife to remove the proper amount of crusts from this sandwich. I feel for the person who sits at the bar at night telling his friends all about his day of watching this thing operate.

Do yourselves a favor America. Get off your fucking ass and do it yourself. While some things may be good for the economy, buying this garbage is not one of them. And since this thing has been living in the refrigerator for months, I think I will take it home and shoot it with a gun. It most certainly deserves a quick death as does its original idea. Thanks Smucker's, you fuckers!

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