Dear Mr. and Mrs. Beckham. . .

Welcome to the United States. I hope that you and your wife enjoy your new lives here with us. However, I offer for you some advice:

1) Burn everything you intend on throwing away. Otherwise you may find your crusty old Ziploc bags for sale on EBAY.

2) Don't have sex near a window. There will be people hiding in your bushes 24 hours a day.

3) Don't open your mouths in front of a microphone. You WILL regret it.

4) Basically don't leave your house ever, except for when you have to play football.

5) Send your children to school in rural Missouri, there are no pieces of sh!t paparazzi there.

6) Commit suicide. It's easier than being famous in the USA.

Good luck with the football. I enjoyed it while living overseas and I hope you can breathe some popularity into it here in the US.

Your Truly,
Burnt Toast