"Americans used to say where there's a will, there's a way. Nowadays, it's where there's a pill, there's a way out." - - Burnt Toast
Showing posts with label media whore. Show all posts
Showing posts with label media whore. Show all posts

Have Shoes, Will Whore. . .

Well goody for you Kate.  It's not like you haven't had enough time in the public spotlight as you and your whacko ex-husband whore yourselves and your flotilla of children on television for money and fame.  I guess addiction is a painful affliction and as your 15 minutes of fame wound down about two years ago, all I have to say is get out there and break a leg.

No, really, break a leg, you talentless drub


And while you are at it, how about using yourself and your talents(?) for the greater common good.  I mean, even Martha Stewart has a line of bath mats at K-Mart.  I don't know, you could put your famous name on something useful like a convertible chastity belt/ball gag for people just like you.

Read more...

Things I'd Rather Be Doing. . .

than watching President Buckethead babbling about something he knows nothing about:

1) Scalping tickets at a Barry Manilow/Jonas Brothers contest

2) Having a political discussion with "Pac Man" Jones

3) Working in a paperclip factory

4) Plumbing the depths of my cornea with a knitting needle

5) Eating bars of Lava soap and chasing it down with lukewarm buttermilk

6) Lighting my farts with a TIG welder

7) Looking at macro photographs of slime molds

8) Doing double-dutch jump-rope on broken glass and fermented dog poo

9) Going to a tickle party in Berkeley, California

10) And finally, memorizing the Bible backwards in Latin while being force-fed hot gravel, dung beetles, centipedes, cockroaches and Jagermeister shots spiked with asbestos and mercury, while fourteen Viking warriors take turns pummeling my balls with a flaming lead mace as Kajagoogoo's Too Shy on vinyl screeches at 78 rpm over a 1977 Realistic stereo and a blind Chinese hermaphrodite gives me a pedicure with it's teeth and liberal sloshes of sulfuric acid.

Read more...

Pie In The Sky. . .

I'll admit that mathematics is not my strongest suit in life. I have a long list of "Things I Am Better At Than Mathematics" and I'll be a musty pile of worm dirt before I ever change.

I can remember, and it is reflected clearly in my progress reports, the day my life with math took a wrong turn. It was somewhere around the time that they introduced "letters" into the "numerical" system that I had become comfortable with over the years.

y=mx+what??

I guess I could also blame the over-achieving and over-developed, hazel-eyed girl from across the aisle who added to my distraction, but I was as certain then as I am certain now, that I would never "get it" (math, that is) unlike my cohorts, enemies and lust interests in class.

Yet, I do recall something referred to as inverse proportionality which states that as the magnitude of one variable increases, the magnitude of another decreases, but the product of the two remains the same.

Let's apply this to our new black President, Barack Obama. Our equation is as follows:

The ratio of the media's unhealthy obsession with propping up our new black president's less-than-stellar political achievements to the stark reality of his achievements so far equals endless rivers of bullshit disinformation for the sheeple of this country to wallow and bathe their empty, bubble-headed bodies in.

See, ain't math easy? So they say anyways.

Wish it were that easy to divine the subtle intentions of hazel-eyed girls.

"Stop bothering me you weirdo" is a principle entirely too vague for my detail-oriented mind to comprehend!

Read more...

Gag Me. . .

. . .no really, gag me before I say something inappropriate. And then, un-gag me so I can puke.

Presenting: "The Ultimate Daddy's Girl"

Man, is there anything thing this Alpha and Omega can't do or be?

Read more...

This Is CNN. . .

It's day whatever, who cares. It's been several weekends since to coronation of Obama and the media still, STILL, STILL continues to print these feelsy-goodsy, breathless, slobber-fests of the Obama's. Is this Entertainment Tonight? Is this Joan Rivers? What Not To Wear?

No, it's CNN!!!!!

First it was the glistening pecs, then during the inauguration, Michelle O's "Kennedy" style (hardly) and who could forget how affable and glib Prez-dent Obama is at his press conferences. But now, all the news that's fit to print is Michelle Obama's arms. OOooooooooooooooooo!

That's news I can live without!!

Someone please wipe my face, I'm drenched in the slobber of admiration.

H/T: Mystery Man Matt Drudge

Read more...

The Honeymoon. . .

The main-stream media's love affair over Barack Obama has been a sickening orgy of blind affection, adulation and ignorance. Like watching two new lovers lustfully groping one another in a public space. Disgusting, annoying, sickening and enviable. Doesn't everyone want that true, lasting and powerful love?

Sadly, the love typically wanes and the contempt sets in. What was once cute and adorable becomes grating and undesirable. You realize the repetitive throat-clearing at the dinner table is worse than fingers on a chalkboard or the foot odor once seemingly tolerable nows permeates everything with the undeniable stench of ill-remembrances.

This is your life Barack Obama. The media loves you, but be careful and watch your back. They are a fickle and herded lot. Elitists, wanna-be Murrows, not to be misaffected or maligned, mishandled or misguided, often biting the hand that feeds with a rabid, infected mouth.

Your first hundred days will be your best, the last of a very good roll and the beginning of the end for your presidency. They will hoist you up as a God, our Lord and Savior, as the white-guilt is cast off and they present you, a man of two colors, solely as one. Our sins will be absolved.

From then on, prepare for the worst. They will eviscerate you at every chance, they will mock your decision-making and/or lack thereof. Your life in macro view for all to see. I hope you have washed behind your ears, Barack.

As I sit and think of the predicament we find ourselves in, on the verge of socialism, cloaked as the new democracy of the American left, I shudder at our well-being in four years. But, with a wry smile, I huck a good laugh to myself knowing, simply knowing that the vicious wolf-pack of your lovers, the media, are going to cut you into little pieces after the exuberant delirium of the honeymoon wilts. It's going to be a great show.

Good luck buddy. They made it easy for you. . .but just wait. Just wait. As they've always said, "love stinks."

Read more...

It's Official. . .

Britney Spears is completely insane.



She wants to convert to Islam in an effort to re-invent herself.

Uh huh.

Maybe someone needs to fill her in on the facts of Islamic life. I'm pretty sure the Koran forbids showing your nasty cooch to the entire planet. Shaved or not.

Ok Brit, it is officially over for you. You have completely signed off from reality and life and frankly, we don't want you back. Go to Pakistan. I hear it's a wonderful place to live and have a family.

Catch YoU Next Tuesday you filthy skeezer.

Read more...

Easy Now. . .Don't Go Over Too Far. . .


Maybe the extremist Muslims are right. How much lower can we go as a society?

Read more...

WYSIWYG. . .

Nicole Richie



Chicken wing anyone?

Read more...

WYSIWYG

Fantasy. . .



Reality. . .

Read more...

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Beckham. . .

Welcome to the United States. I hope that you and your wife enjoy your new lives here with us. However, I offer for you some advice:

1) Burn everything you intend on throwing away. Otherwise you may find your crusty old Ziploc bags for sale on EBAY.

2) Don't have sex near a window. There will be people hiding in your bushes 24 hours a day.

3) Don't open your mouths in front of a microphone. You WILL regret it.

4) Basically don't leave your house ever, except for when you have to play football.

5) Send your children to school in rural Missouri, there are no pieces of sh!t paparazzi there.

6) Commit suicide. It's easier than being famous in the USA.

Good luck with the football. I enjoyed it while living overseas and I hope you can breathe some popularity into it here in the US.

Your Truly,
Burnt Toast

Read more...

Dear Roseanne. . .

Why don't you start by killing yourself, you old washed up, screeching, nasty, crotch-grabbing, Star Spangled Banner mangling, hippopotamus moose knuckle!

You ask why?

Direct from her blog:

IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT AND THE VICE PRESIDENT, THEY ARE TRAITORS TO AMERICA, AND SO ARE ALL OF THEIR SUPPORTERS. IMPEACH! ANYONE IN CONGRESS WHO REFUSES TO SAVE OUR UNION FROM THESE TRAITORS BY DOING NOTHING NEEDS TO BE RECALLED. SAVE OUR TROOPS!!! SAVE OUR SCHOOLS AND HOSPITALS AND JOBS. FEED OUR HUNGRY AND POOR! SAVE THE DROWNING PEOPLE IN NEW ORLEANS! ANYONE WHO MENTIONS PARIS HILTON ONE MORE TIME MUST DIE!

I think she's probably vying for the Price Is Right job.

Read more...

Poor Little Paris. . .

According to Paris Hilton's psychiatrist, Charles Sophy, the young Hilton is "emotionally distraught and traumatized" from her sentencing to 45 days in jail for DUI probation violations.

Gee whiz, having to play by the rules really hurts sometimes, doesn't it Hiltypoo?

You can read more here at TMZ.

And TMZ commenter "carlacalifornia" sums it up best:


"boo effing hoo- she could have avoided ALL OF THIS just by being a decent human being."


Absolutely.

Read more...

Shakin' It Off Boss. . .

I couldn't decide how to lead into this one so I'll just say. . .hoooooray!

Finally a judge "does the right thing" by putting Paris Hilton in jail. 45 days, no electronic monitoring, no work furloughs, no nada, just the slammer.

And miraculously. . .

the world continues to go around.

And also, since when did her "job" description become heiress/handbag designer?

Handbag designer?

Really people, are we supposed to believe that garbage? Does anyone think this doofus sits at a drafting table all day coming up with new and trendy designs? It's probably more like this:

*phone ringing*

Nords Verglanjorb (World Famous Handbag Desinger): Yah?

Paris: Nords, I think polka dots are sooooooo kewl? Don't you?

Nords: Well, er. . .

Paris: Pink and purples ones, but not too pink and purple. Kinda like the dress that fat bitch Lindsay Lohan was wearing the other night at [fill in the blank with nightclub of choice]. What a skank!

Nords: Well, I really didn't see the. . .

Paris: And the purple should be like the carpet burns I saw on Nicole Richie's skinny anorexic ass the other day. What a ho!

Nords: (thinking) Note to self: Tomorrow, 8:00 a.m. coffee with Bjoors, 8:30 a.m., suicide.

Read more...

Picture

Picture
Herbs!

About This Blog

StatCounter

  © Blogger template Shush by Ourblogtemplates.com 2009

Back to TOP