An Open Letter To The World. . .

Dear World,

In light of recent anti-American events such as our election, trying to whack our president in the face with a shoe and the exclusion of the United States of America from a Latin American Summit, which will host Russia, Iran, and China, all friends of the world I assure you, let me just say one thing to you, the unwashed masses of Planet Earth:

FUCK YOU!

The United States of America has spent the last 200 years bailing out countless numbers of countries just like you. Iraq, Korea, Afghanistan, Panama, Somalia, France, Germany, Poland, Italy, Algeria, Egypt, Turkey, Samoa. You name it and we've probably been there to set things straight, to straighten you out, to fix your problems whether you like it or not.

Oh yes, we imperialists, we occupiers, we crusaders, how dare we police the world, what business is it of ours?

To the slovenly of the world I declare that it becomes our business when your business infringes on ours!

You see, unlike the savage beasts of the Middle East or despotic rulers Africa or unruly religious zealots of Pakistan and other places with a disdain for life and freedom, we've learned to live together and prosper. We've managed to leave behind the savagery and butchering of the Dark Ages for a comfortable, pleasant and free lifestyle that foments creativity, efficiency and the love of life and living. We've invented and built most of the modern technologies that make our world a better place and shared them with everyone. We've even flown men to the moon and landed robots on other planets. Anyone from the lawless tribal region of Pakistan ever do that?

We don't saw heads off people, indoctrinate women into strapping bombs to themselves, starve our people intentionally, nor do we crush public outcry or dissent(unless it becomes violent), and we don't randomly rape and torture, in fact, we are the most caring and generous country in the world.

In 2005, we donated the equivalent of almost 1.7% of our total economy to the world. Yes, it makes for a lot of zeros. And while I am it, Mississippians in particular are VERY generous. In 2005, we were the most giving state in the nation. The least? New Hampshire. Go figure, but that's an argument for another day. Even last year, I donated more money than Joe Biden, our dunderheaded, soon-to-be vice-president.

We're not war-mongers, unless we have to be and yes, unfortunately for us and the bad guys of the world, we are the world police. Constantly spat upon, castigated by our own media, lambasted by every fringe minority group, but really, who would you rather have policing the world? Russia? Iran? The Hutus and Tutsis from the Congo?

Yes, our bombs kill. Our guns maim. And our men fight to the death. But it is without malice. It is with pride for our way of life, it is with the sense of duty that an all-volunteer force goes to battle when called. We are not blood-thirsty killers and frankly, most of those kids fighting for freedom would rather be at home playing Ninetendo and/or chasing girls. We go because we have to, and we can be relied upon by the jellybacked, nimrodic countries who lack the wherewithal or desire to quell persecution when necessary. In other words, those that lack the balls to fight.

We've learned to live peaceably, to respect one another for our differences, to allow for opinion or dissension. We've nearly perfected it. I say nearly, because we are not perfect. There are defects in every society, but we've modeled a society far more advanced than anything imaginable. Admired and envied by most.

We don't go looking for a fight and much prefer to mind our own business. It people like you, the savage underbelly, the undomesticated purity of the violent animal brain who send us calling. And we call hard. With bombs and death, with tears in our eyes as our war machine grinds you to bits and spits you out.

It could be much easier for you if you would simply stop. Stop it. Stop with the raping, the pillaging, the subjugation of the weak, the persecution of the different. Allow yourselves to be free because freewill is the only God-given right that humankind has. And only man can take it away.

Personally, I'll be glad when the United States is second place in the world. We can button up our borders, park our warships off the coast and thumb our nose at everyone else when the planet goes to hell in a handbasket.

It will be our quiet day to shine. Shining and reveling through our own inaction.

And you?

Well, you'll just be getting what you deserve. And when you come sniveling to us for help, we won't look down our nose at you with contempt or scorn. We, the compassionate people of the United States of America, will pull up our bootstraps, muster our forces, and once again march into the fire with the hopes of setting the world straight one more time. It is our moral obligation. Which is something the rest of the world lacks.

God Bless America and her mighty military.

Sincerely,
Burnt Toast

P.S. Yes nimrods, I know nimrodic is not a word. Thank you for your grammatical concern.