Is History A Precedent?

You just can't make this stuff up!

America is burning, Obama is fiddling, and Congress, bless their all-important, egomaniacal little hearts, is wasting our hard fought taxpayer money and critical time during "the greatest crisis since blah-blah-blah" to worry over important legislation like college fucking football. More specifically, how college teams are ranked in the BCS standings.

Don't get me wrong, I loooooove college football, but c'mon Washington, don't we have better things to be doing? Economic woes for example? Or illegal immigration? We still have a war going on, I know Obama won that other one for us and it's easy to forget, but wake up out there! Moreover and sickeningly so, I understand from this article that the legislation in question is being spearheaded by none other than Republican Senator Orrin Hatch, whose beloved Utes were snubbed for the top spot after a perfect finish last year in the regular season.

Sure, the BCS computer rankings and coaches ranking and all that other jibber-jabber is an imperfect science, but is this really something Congress should be wasting time over? Can't we, as Americans, just get over the fact that some shit ain't gonna be perfect in life? Including the BCS rankings? And just because some Mormons, among others, got their panties all wadded up, doesn't mean we need to waste millions of dollars in Congressional salaries, printing costs, etc., to study this socially devastating calamity! Not!

And then some other Republican doofus is trying to prevent the NCAA from calling a game "national championship" unless there is a playoff system in place. Oh lordy, now we're gonna start legislating words! Heaven forbid we call a championship game a championship game! Gotta have a law for that ludicrousness.

You know how every now and then you'll come across one of those news stories about funny old laws, typically at the local level, but many times at the state level that would, for instance, prohibit someone from driving while blindfolded in Alabama or prohibit the concealed carry of an ice cream cone in your pocket in Kentucky. Or a more modern example of dumb law as demonstrated by the recent rash of local ordinances which require a person to pull their pants up and OVER the underwear. Sheesh! That just the kinda of focused and cutting edge legislation we need in this country.

Hey, you know what else will make people pull their pants up? A swift kick in the ass-crack with a pair of steel-toed, hobnailed boots. Works everytime. Except on Sundays, the Friday after the third Monday of the second week of Spring and at no time during the presence of a woman in a corset. Or while spitting in public and giving a lit cigar to a housecat.

I can't imagine the scorn and ridicule 100 years from now as they peruse American history and realize that we couldn't even figure out how to say, "Hey, you're the winner," without some damn law being written to tell us how to do it.

Welcome to America in 1984 2009.