Sheryl Crow Must Be Smiling. . .

and my ex-wife is pulling her hair out.



From USA Today:
Electronic Toilet Paper Dispenser, 5 Sheets At A Time

During my married years, unremarkable as they were, my wife had issues with being seen while doing her business on the toilet. Now, not that I really WANTED to see her doing her business on the toilet, but she ABSOLUTELY DID NOT want ME to see HER sitting on the john. So, it becamse a bit of a game for me. I'd burst in the bathroom door when I knew she was in there. Or if she would sneak in while I was in the shower, I would fling open the shower curtain to catch her in the act which would invariably elicit a verbal tirade in Argentinian Spanish, usually beginning with "¡¡Ché boludo!!"

In those early years I also began to notice that we were going through extraordinary amounts of toilet paper per week. At first I thought maybe it was going to other uses, such as makeup or cleaning up a spill, blowing of the nose. I knew that my own toilet paper consumption was minimal at best, but we also owned some cats, so maybe they were lustily unrolling yards of toilet paper in my absence. It wasn't until one day. . .

I was showering and I heard my wife come into the bathroom. As she was sitting on the toilet I couldn't resist pulling the old shower curtain fling trick once again no matter the consequences, and as the curtain flung away, I saw my wife with two gigantic double handfuls of toilet paper! I'm talking meters and meters of the stuff! Mountains and heaps of fluffy white "Rain Shower-scented" Charmin. Have you ever seen those funniest home videos of a cat sitting on the toilet unrolling the toilet paper into a big pile with both paws? Well, she looked JUST LIKE THAT.

And why am I telling you this? Because I can and I'm sure somewhere on the streets of Buenos Aires, my ex-wife is weeping softly into a massive pile of soft and fluffy tissue paper.

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And You Wonder Why. . .

Lance and Sheryl divorced.

Here's a good example

From The Washington Post & Biodeisel Bus Blog

Crow (4/19, Springfield, Tenn.): I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of forest conservation which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.

Speaking of sh!t, file that one in the category of Bull.

And when you think it can't get any more ridiculous:

Crow (4/19): I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve." The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.

My mind keeps conjuring up images of a gluttonous King screaming, "Where's my hasenfeffer?", folowed my a big hearty mouth wipe on the sleeve.

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