Sheryl Crow Must Be Smiling. . .

and my ex-wife is pulling her hair out.



From USA Today:
Electronic Toilet Paper Dispenser, 5 Sheets At A Time

During my married years, unremarkable as they were, my wife had issues with being seen while doing her business on the toilet. Now, not that I really WANTED to see her doing her business on the toilet, but she ABSOLUTELY DID NOT want ME to see HER sitting on the john. So, it becamse a bit of a game for me. I'd burst in the bathroom door when I knew she was in there. Or if she would sneak in while I was in the shower, I would fling open the shower curtain to catch her in the act which would invariably elicit a verbal tirade in Argentinian Spanish, usually beginning with "¡¡Ché boludo!!"

In those early years I also began to notice that we were going through extraordinary amounts of toilet paper per week. At first I thought maybe it was going to other uses, such as makeup or cleaning up a spill, blowing of the nose. I knew that my own toilet paper consumption was minimal at best, but we also owned some cats, so maybe they were lustily unrolling yards of toilet paper in my absence. It wasn't until one day. . .

I was showering and I heard my wife come into the bathroom. As she was sitting on the toilet I couldn't resist pulling the old shower curtain fling trick once again no matter the consequences, and as the curtain flung away, I saw my wife with two gigantic double handfuls of toilet paper! I'm talking meters and meters of the stuff! Mountains and heaps of fluffy white "Rain Shower-scented" Charmin. Have you ever seen those funniest home videos of a cat sitting on the toilet unrolling the toilet paper into a big pile with both paws? Well, she looked JUST LIKE THAT.

And why am I telling you this? Because I can and I'm sure somewhere on the streets of Buenos Aires, my ex-wife is weeping softly into a massive pile of soft and fluffy tissue paper.