Ahoy Matey!!

Since I am lucky enough to share my birthday with the really dumb idea of International Talk Like a Pirate Day (caveat: I was here first), I must admit that with the increase of real pirating off the waters of Somalia I'm getting kind of pissed off at these brain damaged, goat-humping, Islamo-fascist knob-gobblers parading around in paper boats with guns and rockets!

Who in the hell do they think they are?

Somehow, someway and somewhere, probably in Berkeley, California, I hear someone blaming George Bush for this unnecessary foolishness.

Let's go back to the third grade and revisit compare and contrast.


United States:

Unites States Navy Arleigh Burke class Guided Missile Destroyer displacing 9,200 tons with a crew of 273. Armed with a variety of sea to land, sea to air, sea to sea missile systems and 4 gas-turbine engines producing 108,000 horsepower.

Somalia:

Wooden pirate attack vessel, complete with five camel-humping turds wrapped in towels displacing about five turds, uh, 1 ton worth of water. Weaponry consists of: not much. Propulsion system: part-time outboard motor subsidized by full-time wooden paddle.

United States:

Phalanx Close-In Weapon System (CIWS), fires 3,000 to 4,500 rounds per minute with it's radar-guided 20mm M61 Vulcan Gatling gun auto-cannon. I think I just got a boner saying that. The land version of this weapon is so good that it can shoot falling rockets out of the sky with High-Explosive Incendiary Tracer, Self Destruct (HEIT-SD) rounds. No, I'm not kidding. We are Americans, we can make anything.

Somalia:

Armed and unwrapped pirate turd sporting a cheaply made (probably Chinese), difficult to maintain automatic machine gun that is likely to jam and misfire often. And he probably sucks at it because he's too fucked up on quat and busy day dreaming about his clitoris-less wife.
Or goat.

United States:

MQ-1 Predator Unmanned Aircraft System armed with two AGM-114 Hellfire Missiles, complete with electro-optical sensor system, infrared, laser designator and illuminator systems.

Somalia:

They don't have any unmanned hunter/killer planes because they are turds wrapped in towels floating around in paper boats. And when they're not doing that, they are busy chopping off the clitorises of children, butchering one another randomly, chewing narcotic plant leaves (in the names of Allah?) and squandering the fertile resources of the East African desert (not!).

My suggestion?

Well, if the USA isn't going to get tough on the high seas, as they've done so far, and lets the goddamn Indian navy take over the blood and guts duty of teaching these jackasses a lesson or two, then for heaven's sake, let do something!! Anything!!!11

Howsabout we just carpet bomb Somalia forever? Use it as one giant bombing range. You know, cause that's another thing we are pretty good at, making bombs and the bombers that drop them.


Tolerance is not an option. And we can take advantage of all the free glass that comes with blowing up the desert. Just think of the savings for the glass industry.

I can hear it now in Berkeley: NO WAR FOR GLASS!!