Hot Dogs And Blow Holes. . .
Much has been made over the recent commentary by a group of doctors who are advocating warning labels on packages of hot dogs to reduce the number of choking deaths in children. Adding to this idiocy, they are also suggesting a redesign of the hot dog's shape, which would probably bankrupt the hot dog industry as it would require a total retooling of the complex machinery necessary to extrude this mechanically-separated meat goodness.
But I guess if they need to reshape the hot dog, I would suggest the rhombus.
The rhombus is a quadrilateral whose four sides all have the same length. The rhombus is also called "diamond" and oddly enough, "lozenge", which by the way, you can choke on too. Look out kids!! Yet, if you made a hotdog rhombus large enough, it would require more than a mouthful to bite through the total width of the meat product. However, if hot dog producers elected to go with this shape, the hot dog bun makers would have to retool also, and frankly, this new bun would give the hot dog rhombus a peculiar likeness to the ubiquitous hamburger. On the bright side and depending, of course, on the hot dog rhombus recipe, it could certainly end the egregious misnomer of the HAMburger.
I guess a better idea would be teaching children to chew their food completely before swallowing, but that puts too much responsibility on the parents and God knows they are so overwhelmed with responsibilities these days.
Daddy, I want an iPhone NOW! Everybody has one but meeeeeeeee!!!11eleventy1!
Son, did you chew your hot dog?
Son? SON??!!!
Or, I don't know, maybe kids should be offered healthier choices in food products at such a young and developmentally important age. We are the most obese nation on the planet after all and hot dogs are not the best choice for a healthy food lifestyle.
How about green peas? Anyone ever choke on a green pea? Maybe an occasional trip to the emergency room to remove one deeply embedded in a nostril, but surely peas are not a choking hazard.
Or maybe salads. No one has ever choked to death on an iceberg lettuce wedge. Unless there was a whole, slender, glistening, non-rhombus shaped hot dog hiding beneath the tender goodness, camouflaged in Roquefort dressing, just waiting to lash out like a poisonous asp and clog up some kid's blowhole.
This simplest remedy to this crisis I heard on the radio today. Cutting the dastardly hot dog in half, modifying the shape ever so slightly so your brain damaged child, whose millions of years of evolutionary rumination has malfunctioned, will not choke to death on the dangerous hot dog.
I guess lastly and if all else fails, all non-rhombus hot dogs could be served like this:
You would never choke on this, but there is a chance of complete cardiac failure after consumption.
Hmmpphhh. I guess life is full of risk, isn't it? Next thing you know, they'll be putting warning labels on anvils: Keep Away From Roadrunners. Read more...
