Hot Dogs And Blow Holes. . .
Much has been made over the recent commentary by a group of doctors who are advocating warning labels on packages of hot dogs to reduce the number of choking deaths in children. Adding to this idiocy, they are also suggesting a redesign of the hot dog's shape, which would probably bankrupt the hot dog industry as it would require a total retooling of the complex machinery necessary to extrude this mechanically-separated meat goodness.
But I guess if they need to reshape the hot dog, I would suggest the rhombus.
The rhombus is a quadrilateral whose four sides all have the same length. The rhombus is also called "diamond" and oddly enough, "lozenge", which by the way, you can choke on too. Look out kids!! Yet, if you made a hotdog rhombus large enough, it would require more than a mouthful to bite through the total width of the meat product. However, if hot dog producers elected to go with this shape, the hot dog bun makers would have to retool also, and frankly, this new bun would give the hot dog rhombus a peculiar likeness to the ubiquitous hamburger. On the bright side and depending, of course, on the hot dog rhombus recipe, it could certainly end the egregious misnomer of the HAMburger.
I guess a better idea would be teaching children to chew their food completely before swallowing, but that puts too much responsibility on the parents and God knows they are so overwhelmed with responsibilities these days.
Daddy, I want an iPhone NOW! Everybody has one but meeeeeeeee!!!11eleventy1!
Son, did you chew your hot dog?
Son? SON??!!!
Or, I don't know, maybe kids should be offered healthier choices in food products at such a young and developmentally important age. We are the most obese nation on the planet after all and hot dogs are not the best choice for a healthy food lifestyle.
How about green peas? Anyone ever choke on a green pea? Maybe an occasional trip to the emergency room to remove one deeply embedded in a nostril, but surely peas are not a choking hazard.
Or maybe salads. No one has ever choked to death on an iceberg lettuce wedge. Unless there was a whole, slender, glistening, non-rhombus shaped hot dog hiding beneath the tender goodness, camouflaged in Roquefort dressing, just waiting to lash out like a poisonous asp and clog up some kid's blowhole.
This simplest remedy to this crisis I heard on the radio today. Cutting the dastardly hot dog in half, modifying the shape ever so slightly so your brain damaged child, whose millions of years of evolutionary rumination has malfunctioned, will not choke to death on the dangerous hot dog.
I guess lastly and if all else fails, all non-rhombus hot dogs could be served like this:
You would never choke on this, but there is a chance of complete cardiac failure after consumption.
Hmmpphhh. I guess life is full of risk, isn't it? Next thing you know, they'll be putting warning labels on anvils: Keep Away From Roadrunners.
Looks like something from Beatty Street Grocery...............I may go get one right now.
Strange that this should come up now about the hot dogs. My Son is a member of the Boys and Girls club here in San Pedro and about a month ago one of the kids there died after eating a hot dog. Since my Son is in special education classes he is allowed to remain in high school until he's twenty-one (which he became in December) and participate in Boys Clubs activities.
Now the article I linked to above said the hot dog death was caused by a "game". That's bullshit! It was a contest and the Boys Club is trying to avoid a lawsuit by white washing the story. There is also a discrepancy about the time. The kid didn't get to the E.R. until almost twenty minutes after the hot dog got stuck in his throat. My guess is someone in the Boys Club tried to unstick the hot dog and instead of calling 911 and cost valuable time. Someone fucked up and it cost this young man his life. All because of a silly contest. Changing the shape of the damn hot dogs would not have saved this young man's life.
Greasy, I read an article about that also. Such a shame and yeah, you're probably right about the coverup, Lord knows the Boys Club doesn't want a lawsuit, especially if the were the ones to organize the "contest".
I'm not making fun of the fact that children are dying from this phenomenam, but I read in a couple of places that death in children by hot dog works out to 50 to 75 kids a year. So we are going to make an industry spend billions of dollars to redesign something that harms a minute fraction of the populace?
I wonder how many children die each year from ATV accidents, or skateboards or whatever! I just don't understand this utterly insane fasciantion with legislating the crap out of everything around us. Life is filled with risks. I could walk out the front door of my house one day and have a bird peck my eyes out. Does this mean we should all be required to wear bird beak resistant glasses? No!
I'm just sick of liberalism. There is only one great certainty in life and that is, if you are living, you will eventually die. Whether by falling anvils, car crash, avalanche, laser guided bomb, it's just gonna happen. No amount of legislation will stop death.
Kids are gonna be kids. I must have been near death's door a half-dozen times when I was young doing stupid things. Re-designing the hot dogs aren't gonna change anything. Besides, how the hell is the mustard gonna taste on a square hot dog? Nannyism and PC shit will be the death of us.
If the redesign should come about I hope the bun makers will learn to put ten buns in the package..or hot dogs to have eight weiners or match it up somehow.......humph...I'm just saying...