Things I'd Rather Be Doing. . .

than watching President Buckethead babbling about something he knows nothing about:

1) Scalping tickets at a Barry Manilow/Jonas Brothers contest

2) Having a political discussion with "Pac Man" Jones

3) Working in a paperclip factory

4) Plumbing the depths of my cornea with a knitting needle

5) Eating bars of Lava soap and chasing it down with lukewarm buttermilk

6) Lighting my farts with a TIG welder

7) Looking at macro photographs of slime molds

8) Doing double-dutch jump-rope on broken glass and fermented dog poo

9) Going to a tickle party in Berkeley, California

10) And finally, memorizing the Bible backwards in Latin while being force-fed hot gravel, dung beetles, centipedes, cockroaches and Jagermeister shots spiked with asbestos and mercury, while fourteen Viking warriors take turns pummeling my balls with a flaming lead mace as Kajagoogoo's Too Shy on vinyl screeches at 78 rpm over a 1977 Realistic stereo and a blind Chinese hermaphrodite gives me a pedicure with it's teeth and liberal sloshes of sulfuric acid.