The guys and gals of The Jawa Report were very supportive of last year's alternative presidential candidate, the Anteater. Yet, no one has heard from him since December. Today gives us terrible news out of Central America. Was it drugs, alcohol, foul play?
Near Portegolpe, Costa Rica -- Although his identity has not yet been confirmed, it is believed that the Anteater, the surprise candidate of 2008, was found dead on a dusty, narrow backroad in the northwest province of Guanacaste, Costa Rica. Authorities continue to compile evidence in the case, but details at this time are scarce and the nearby communities are fearful for their safety.
Fuerza Publica Comandante Ernesto Vientesiete de Abril Granados Culona Grandota stated clearly at a press conference that the national police and local authorities are working on any and all leads, but first he pleaded to the public for more help. Primarily, gas for the police motorcycle.
As to the rampant rumors, he stated, "Of it listened we have of speculation that to the anteater has happened of the coca. Not we can to talk of the Anteater rumors vicious. Please all questions ask of him [anteater] to the attorney of his [anteater] directly."
The Anteater's lifeless body was found by world renowned bird photographers Burnt Toast and Nils Gundlerboorg as they were hiking through rough terrain in search of the reclusive and yet-to-be photographed variegated warbling bubbletwit pigeon.
Said Mr. Gundlerboorg, "I was crouched down behind an immature coyole palm calling out and listening for the warbling bubble twit pigeon, when I thought to myself, 'something smeels like sheeet,' then I look down and there was a pile of sheeet!" He went on to explain that he called Mr. Toast over to investigate the odor and it was then when they realized not only was there a pile of dung, there was a dead anteater.
Mr. Toast remarked, "We had no idea that our encounter would collapse world markets and send the dollar spiraling, but Nils and I are always on the cutting edge of discovery, whether it be birds, antique bottles of Guaro, dead politicians or smelly piles of feces."
When asked on the cause of death and the impact of the photograph of the body, Mr. Toast admitted, "I've seen a lot of dead animals before, but never a dead animal politician and I really didn't know how to handle it. So, I just said fuck it, I'll take the picture and run with it. After all, I'm American and my 15 minutes of fame is a right! It says so in our Declaration of Constitution document and Barack Obama our dear leader says so too!"
"He's also going to buy me a new car, by the way," smirked Mr. Gundlerjoorg.
After this statement, both men dropped their camera equipment raised extended arms in the air forming the symbolic Obama "O" gesture with their hands and proceeded to complete several squat thrust repetitions, each time on the up-thrust screeching out, "Oooo-BAMA!"
The authorities are investigating complicity of the duo in any potential crime.
Crime Scene Photo
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