Another Year, Another Wrinkle. . .
. . .another half inch lower for the family jewels.
Yep, it's that time of year again, that special day when the world came to a standstill as the moment neared and when the tension was all but too much, I poked my big ol' melon out my mama and proclaimed, "Dammit man, somebody turn up the heat!"
Yes everyone, tomorrow is my birthday. And a lucky man I am too. Already scored two bills from dear ol' dad and I dunno what Beatrice has got in store for me, but it's a big box and we all know big boxes mean big presents. Unless you are like my brother who once stuffed a 4 foot square box with newspapers, magazines, and phone books so that it appeared to have not only size, but considerable weight only to find out on Christmas morning that there was a lone Matchbox car down in the bottom. I think it was a 1972 Ford Pinto on top of that.
But anyway, I digress. Last year, I offered some historical moments that took place on September 19th, so this year I will offer a list of people who are lucky enough to share this great day with me. Me and that godforsaken idiocy know as International Talk Like A Pirate Day.
Famous people who'd rather be me:
Antoninus Pius
Leo IV The Wise
King Henry III of France
Orson Pratt
Mika Waltari
Ferry Porsche
Adam West
Antonio Margheriti
Mama Cass Elliot
Jeremy Irons
Twiggy
Lita Ford
Victoria Silvstedt
Well suckers, thanks for taking away from my sunshine. I can't believe I share a birthday with Mama Cass. This calls for some 1980's hair metal courtesy of Lita Ford.
Good lord that's horrible!!
Gotta make up for that gheyness somehow. . .
Ok, so Maynard was born in April, but I'll cut him some slack because he reminds me of the little man who lives in my head and controls everything I do. Wait. Did I just say that? Where am I? And who the hell are you people??
I tell you a little secret, my nickname was Boo Boo when I was growing up and I never understood the significance of it, until as a young man and after my fourth Hurricane at Pat O'Brien's in New Orleans it occurred to me that I had seen an old black and white of my parents from Pat O's from back in the 70's. I asked my dad about that picture once and he told me about going to New Orleans for the 1970 Sugar Bowl which pitted Archie Manning and the underdog Ole Miss Rebels versus the Razorbacks of Arkansas.
As I sat there in the courtyard, my brain swimming in a red oceans of mind clarifying white liquor, a brief flash of realization was born deep within my cerebral cortex. It was cloaked in uncertainty at first, but the longer I thought about it, the clearer is became. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was conceived in New Orleans on New Year's Day during the Sugar Bowl festivities! I grabbed my best friend Laddie by the arm and screamed, "Jesus man, my folks were having sex here in the 70's!!"
The other patrons, bless their hearts, were politely curious. Most moved away from us.
With this new knowledge, the next week I broached the subject with my dad.
Me: Hey dad, you and mom were in 1970 New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl right?
Dad: Yes son, why?
Me: Uhh well, was there any chance that I was conceived at same said event? You know, like nine months prior to September is January.
Dad: You goddamn right you were and it was upstairs in your aunt's spare bedroom!
Holy Mother of Baby Jesus! Too much information, too much information, too much information!!
Well it figures though, conceived at an Ole Miss football game, born during an Ole Miss football game. What a life.
Oh well, go Rebels! And Happy Birthday to me and all those not so famous folks!
