Freaky Deaky. . .

and just plain SCARY!

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That's It!!

Have we had enough yet? Have we? Have we?

Now THEY are screwing with chicken joints and in my opinion. . .they've just gone too far!!

Now I'm pissed off, thanks to SondraK and the gang.

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Hello Moonrise!

5:30 a.m. moonrise
egypt hill, mississippi - april 2008

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Who's On First?

I guess I jumped the gun.

Judging by the size of this tomato I am convinced that IT is actually the first of the year. After the hard freeze we had a couple of weeks ago, I had to prune many of the tops of the tomato plants back, which has yielded a bushier plant. This little beggar and his cohort were hidng deep beneath the foliage and belong the the variety "Better Boy".

Better Boy tomatoes are usually heavy producers of medium sized, fine, flavorful, fleshy fruits. Hey, an alliteration! Eat your heart out Shakespeare.

I can't wait. I'm really tired of off-season hothouse tomatoes and those things they claim to be tomatoes, but are actually yellow-orange, bitter, juiceless, mealy fruits from places like Peru and California. Sorry Greasy, no offense to your lovely state.

Below is a photo of some flowers in the garden. I can't remember what they're called. I think you can eat them. Who gives a shit. Where are the tomatoes???

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Brilliant Madness!!!!

Watch and weep you second rate drummers of the world!! Long live Vadrum!!



Look for him on YouTube, he plays a great Super Mario Brothers

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Politics 101. . .

An interesting photo montage with a political message and another damn good reason to post a Steely Dan Song.



Long live the Dan!!

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Finally. . .

the courts get smart.

From the Clarion Ledger:

Ramon Lagos Andrade came to this country from Honduras for the American dream.

Now, that dream has gone bad: Andrade, 34, is going to federal prison because he came here on the wrong side of the law.

"We ask the court for leniency," Andrade's attorney, Joe Holloman, told U.S. District Judge Henry Wingate on Monday. "He made a terrible mistake. He was in this country illegally."

Wingate showed no leniency. He more than doubled the 13-month sentence U.S. Attorney Erin Chalk recommended Andrade receive for being here illegally while also in possession of a firearm.

Terrible mistake. Boo hoo.

Chalk one up for justice.

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Sunday Recipe. . .

Today, we take a step beyond basic culinary skills to visit some intermediate techniques that are surely to impress at your next dinner party.

Introducing the "roulade".

A roulade is basically a piece of meat rolled around some type of filling. The finished product, if executed properly, can be a creation of delicious beauty to the eye and the palette, as it is often said that people eat with their eyes first. . .

Oven Roasted Pork Loin Roulade w/spinach, mushrooms, caramelized onions and water chestnuts

1-3# Pork Loin
3 medium onions, sliced
1# assorted mushrooms, sliced
3 bunches of fresh spinach, stems removed and chopped finely
1 can of water chestnuts, chopped coarsely
olive oil, as necessary
salt and pepper, to taste

Marinade

6 ounces olive oil
1 Tbsp. each rosemary, thyme and sage
juice of 1 lemon
juice of 1 minneola (tangerine/grapefruit hybrid) or orange juice

Begin by caramelizing the onions slowly over medium heat in olive oil. Add a pinch of salt. Be sure not to burn as you want the onions to develop a nice brown hue as the sugars in the onion cook. Remove and set aside.

To the same pan, add more olive oil and saute the mushrooms until they also are caramelized. Salt and pepper to taste. Set aside in a small colander so that we can reuse the juices later for the accompanying sauce.

In a clean pan, saute the spinach leaves and chopped stems for 1 minute in olive oil over medium high heat. Salt and pepper to taste, set aside in a colander, allow to drain and squeeze the leaves gently to remove excess moisture. Reserve this liquid also.

In a separate sauce pan, combine the olive oil, herbs, salt and pepper and heat over medium low heat until the herbs begin to bubble slightly. This will release the fragrant oils. Remove from the heat and cool. Add the citrus juices.

Now the fun part. . .



Here is our pork loin:

Begin by cutting along the lower third of the height of the loin in long, consistent strokes with a boning knife. Cut lengthwise, but also move horizontally through the meat, but not all the way through. Stop about a half inch from the opposite side.

Your loin will now fold open like a book and we have one more cut to make for a complete tri-fold butterfly. In the middle there should be a thick portion of the meat where we begin with the second cut. Try to guide the knife approximately half way up the height of the meat at this point, again cutting through to the 1/2 inch termination. This is the harder cut to make and be sure you are slow and careful. Any cut completely through the meat will yield a nice hole with the ingredients of the roulade slipping out.

Below, we see the loin completely butterflied, covered with plastic wrap and being pounded to produce a uniform height as well as providing some tenderizing of the meat. I was using a wine bottle, you can achieve better results with a meat mallet. Pound the meat until it is approximately 1/2 inch or more in thickness. Pounding the meat thinner will produce a nicer pinwheel effect, but I like it to be thicker in an effort to retain the juiciness of the cut. The loin section of pork is notorious for overcooking quickly and a thicker cut will not do so quite as easily.

After pounding, I spooned two tablespoons of the infused citrus herb oil on the meat then added the layers of onions, mushrooms, spinach and finally the chestnuts. Alternatively, you could combine the three ingredients together or layer them individually as I have done. One could add bread crumbs to the ingredients, two beaten eggs and a little chicken stock to make a delicious stuffing as well. Also, you may substitute a variety of ingredients such as roasted red peppers, artichoke hearts, a tapenade of Niçoise olives and sun-dried tomatoes or various precooked winter greens such as chard or collards in place of the spinach. Only your imagination can hold you back.

Once the ingredients have been applied, starting at the thinest end, roll the meat up like a pinwheel and secure with butcher's twine as seen below. Salt and pepper the meat and spoon over the remainder of the infused oil. Let marinate for several hours in the fridge.

When you are ready to roast, preheat your oven to 450°F and place a rack in a roasting pan. On the stove heat a large sautuese or wide sautoir (something large enough to accommodate the loin) to medium high heat, add olive oil and sear the roast on all sides. Transfer to the roasting pan and put in the oven. Roast at 450 for about 30 to 40 minutes, basting with the juices from the marinade every 10 minutes or so. For the basting liquid I used the leftover marinade and one flavorful porter beer and this eventually became part of the final sauce. After 40 minutes reduce the heat to 350-375 and cook, basting occasionally until a meat thermometer indicates at least 155°F. Once removed from the oven the meat will carry over about 5 to 10 degrees, so undercooking slightly is preferable. Cook to 145 if you like a little pink still.

Remove the loin from the oven and let it rest for at least 15 minutes to let the juices redistribute in the meat. If you were to cut it now, the meat would look like Niagara Falls and taste like a rubber shoe.

While the meat is resting, remove the rack from the roasting pan and place the pan on a burner on the stove. When the pan is hot, add a half cup of the beer to deglaze the pan are lift all of the tasty bits in the bottom, strain this into a sauce pan. Add to this liquid the leftover spinach and mushroom juices and reduce by two thirds, all the while removing any fat which rises to the surface. To finish the sauce, remove the sauce from the heat and let it cool slightly.

Whisk in chunks of cold butter until the sauce increases in volume and has a thick shiny consistency. If you see tiny broken bits of white floating around your sauce and the sauce appears oily, then you have broken the butter. Butter sauces should never be heated above 140° as the solids will separate and you will lose the immense body created by emulsifying the butter into the liquid. Adjust the seasonings, add a bit of diced chestnut and some more fresh herbs, plate the meat, serve with your favorite starches and vegetables and look out world!! There is a shoemaker on the loose!!

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Got Bail???

Maybe you remember a few months ago when I introduced you to a friend of Nils named Fabrice Differdange.

I haven't seen Fabrice since I was first introduced to him when he entertained all of us with his catalogue of gay animal husbandry diddies. But this weekend I will see him again as he is hosting the "First Annual Ferrel Fest" at his home in a quiet and well-to-do gated community.

I have been informed that there will be live music, adult beverages, foodstuffs, women, men, animals, power tools and more than likely, police.

I, for one, am looking forward to the potential disaster that this may become. It's not that I'm a "pooh-pooh Sally" and don't want to have a good time, it's that I'm a realist. I know Nils and I know Fabrice. SOMETHING will happen.

To celebrate what I am calling "The First Annual Go To Jail Fest" I created the flyer below for the party.


Hey, you're invited too!

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Oh, Hello. . .

The first tomatoes have arrived!!


And in the beautiful irony that is life, this variety is called "Celebrity".

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A Post Update. . .

For some reason I couldn't edit the post named "Perplexed" for reasons which are perplexing, so I will post an odd and tangential update here.

I was over at AceofSpadesHQ and someone posted probably one of the most disturbing videos ever. I must warn you, it's is not violent blood and guts shocking, however it is nonetheless one of the most sickening vidoes I have ever seen and leads me to beieve that we should bomb The Netherlands immediately. Or at least bomb one house in particular. . .

You have been warned. As my video is probably the worst effort of rapping on the planet, the other is just something indescribable.

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Good To Be Home. . .

After a whirlwind tour of south and south central Mississippi, I am home.

All the work at the SeaBee base was successful and Saturday's birthday party for my now one year-old niece was also a success. Not too much inter and intra-familial squabbling going on.

I am glad to be home.

It is raining steadily today, which is divine because it means a nice slow Monday at work and I need one. After a couple of days on the road I know there is a mound of paperwork to be done.


This stinkbug is enjoying the rain too.


I am currently working on the Sunday recipe, so check in later for an update. As for now, here is my niece Claire contemplating the storm of adult mayhem revolving around her:

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The Real Patriots. . .

Today I find myself in Gulfport, Mississippi at the Naval Construction Battalion Center monitoring the placement of a concrete slab in one of the many new buildings being constructed here. Now, I know many of you are saying, "but, aren't you a chef?" and the answer is in fact, yes. Just not a the moment. It's a long family story for another day. Hey, they still call Bill Clinton, Mr. President, don't they?

Anyway, during all the mayhem which usually transpires during concrete placements, all of the sudden the work stopped and a lot of hollering ensued to which most of us ignorant civilian types responded with a curse or two wondering WTF is going on!?!?

Well, it was The Star-Spangled Banner being played on loudspeakers across the facility. So, we all stopped, removed our hardhats and turned to the flag over at the training facility for the remainder of the song. I noticed two things.

First, The Star-Spangled Banner is the most beautiful song ever and should be played daily all over America, not just in military forts, bunkers, camps, bases, barracks, foxholes, command tents, underground command centers, rappelling towers, kwanset huts, ammo dumps, PX's, guard shacks, helicopter landing pads, and slit trenches but everywhere, every morning.

Secondly, not only were the proud men and women of the Navy and other arms of our military and us civilians paying tribute to our flag, so were all of the immigrant, mostly Mexican, workers. I thought it was a great sign of respect for them to join in, with hardhat over heart facing the flag and enjoying the beauty and importance of our national anthem. Good for them! They probably appreciate it's meaning more than a lot of Americans. Ahem, liberals.

Man, I'm glad it's Friday and I wish I could take a picture of the base, but there are rules, naturally, and the last thing I want to do today is go to the brig, where I'm sure I can hear The Star-Spangled Banner there too.

Have a good Friday everyone and I leave you with this curious photograph to ponder. . .

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Perplexed. . .

I hesitated at first to post this video, becuase it just fills me with emotion every time I see it. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, feel bad or all of the above. All I can say is GO ELI!! Droppin' them rhymes! You da man!! I just want to give him a big hug!

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I Can Has Spellz. . .

Just got this dandy item from the state today. I'm so proud of you Mississippi!! Bring on them numners!!!

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Bonus Sunday Recipe. . .

Since I'm feeling generous today, I will share with you my favorite bean recipe that is surely to leave you in a gas! Also, this will allow you to work with your new friend, chicken stock.


21 Bean Salute

1 pound of navy beans, soaked overnight
1 medium yellow onion, medium dice
1 carrot, sliced
1/3 each of red, green and yellow bell peppers, medium dice
3 cloves of garlic, minced
1-12 ounce can of stewed tomatoes
1/2 Tbsp. Hungarian Paprika
1/2 Tbsp. Chili Powder
chicken stock
thyme, sage and rosemary, minced
salt and pepper, to taste
olive oil

Saute the onion, carrot and bell pepper over medium high heat in olive oil until you get bored or about 8 minutes, whichever comes first. Add the garlic and saute for two more minutes. Add beans, tomatoes(juice included), paprika, chili powder and chicken stock. Simmer until beans are tender, about two hours. Add freshly minced herbs and salt and pepper to taste.

And for a really creamy experience and we all love those, puree about 1 cup of the bean mixture in a blender and add this back to the pot. Just divine!

A note about salting beans. If you desire tender little bursts of bean flavor, save the salt until the beans are thoroughly cooked. Some studies have shown that salting the beans at the beginning of the cooking process will toughen the skin of the bean. And through my own studies of beanology, I find this to be true.

So be nice to your beans, salt them at the end, let them soak for about 30 minutes longer and you'll have delicious bean love every time!


Grill to medium rare two flat iron steaks (which is actually top blade from the chuck of a steer) and some zuchini, whip up some rice to serve with your beans(rice and beans make a complete protein) and you've got a grand meal!

Stick around here long enough and I'll learn you something good!

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Sunday Recipe. . .

One of the most useful ingredients to have on hand in the kitchen is chicken stock. A well-prepared stock can propel your cooking to heights rarely visited in the home kitchen. Chicken stock can be used in a myriad of preparations and instantly adds depth of flavor to sauces, soups and vegetables.



I hear people moaning already, "oh, I just don't have time time" or "it's so much easier the use chicken broth from a can" to which I retort, please kill yourself immediately.

Other than the initial preparation of the ingredients and maintaining vigil for the first fifteen minutes, more or less you can turn it on and forget it.

First we will add a new word to our vocabulary: mirepoix.

Mirepoix is a mixture of vegetables used to enhance the flavor of stocks and not just chicken. Mirepoix is used in vegetable stock (imagine that!), veal stock, beef stock, fish stock, shrimp stock, etc. Mirepoix is typically carrots, celery and onion, although one could add leeks (white part only) or mushrooms trimmings for additional flavor if desired. The proportion of mirepoix to bones is approximately 1 pound of mirepoix to 4 pounds of bones. And the proportioning of the mirepoix is usually 50% onion, 25% carrot, 25% celery. I usually go a little light on the carrot as it has a very strong flavor and can take over the characteristics of a stock very easily.

So we have our chicken bones and our mirepoix, now what?

To begin, we cover the bones with cold water and heat to just boiling then reduce to medium or medium low heat to simmer. Once the water begins to heat, the bones will release different and various proteins that will congeal into a nice funky froth at the stock's surface. This by far is the most imporatnt step. Never BOIL your stock becuase all of that lovely meat funk will end up microscopically dispersed throughout the stock and will render your stock a disgusting shade of cloud.

Anyway, once the scum rises to the top, it is imperative that you remove it with a ladle. The French call this "depouillage" and it's neat that they have a cool word for what we Americans call "skimming the scum". Gross. So, continue skimming until you have removed most of the froth and some of the fat. More fat will render as your stock simmers, so an occasional skim from time to time is necessary.

Once the initial skim has been made, then you may introduce your mirepoix into the stock. A few other ingredients used in most stocks are fresh thyme, toes of garlic, bay leaf, peppercorns and one or two whole cloves. These items may be added in with the mirepoix.

Now what? Well, go drink a beer or something and in 4 to 6 hours your stock will be finished. Strain the stock, refrigerate or freeze for later use. Congratulations! You're on your way to being an accomplished cook! You do want to be an accomplished cook don't you? It's every shoemaker's dream.

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Fish Fry!!!

minnows
egypt hill, mississippi - april 2008

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Good Morning America!

mr. happy face
egypt hill, mississippi - april 2008

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Freaky Deaky. . .

Nils went to the Philippines and Indonesia recently, braving $25 hookers, warm beer, festering market foods, poisonous vipers, violent mujahid and. . .well, not really. He did go, but the bastard was laid up in $500 a night hotels.

And all I got was this funky billboard picture, which is thoroughly erotic and appalling all at the same time. Just who is Pauleen Luna? And does she know what a placenta is? I hope it's simply a marketing name.



Make sure you enlarge the photo to enjoy the fine print. It's certified halal!! And thank goodness for that. Those non-halal(haram) placenta creams are just icky!

This post ties in nicely with a video post over at Little Green Footballs, which shows some lunatic Saudi cleric describing his version of virgins and paradise. The virgins are all white-skinned and instead of 72, you only get 10. Martyrdom is a rip-off!

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I Can See For Meters And Meters And Meters. . .

I took this photo today while exploring unknown territory somewhere near the tri-border area of Rankin, Copiah and Simpson counties. I'm pretty sure I was in Ranking County at the time, but the honest truth was I had no idea where the hell I was.

I traveled several miles of dirt road before finally returning to paved road, which you can see on the right of the frame and I was grateful. I don't ever get lost because I believe all roads lead to somewhere I know, however when in backwoods Mississippi, no cell phone, running on my spare tire already and nothing but deer camps, pines trees and an occasional "un-cultured fellow" on the porch of some shack. . .even I get a bit unsettled.

This, all in an effort to find a "shortcut" home. It took me 45 minutes longer than staying on the county highway.

But the view was awesome.

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Death Of The Payphone. . .

it didn't have to be like this, but I guess someone didn't want to pay 50 cents for a call.


dead phone
hattiesburg, mississippi - april 2008

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Dancing Shoes Or Jockstraps. . .

It is a ballroom after all.



This is what the ballroom of the Capital City Convention Center in downtown Jackson looks like to date. The City of Jackson is operating on the premise of "build it and they will come." Many have their doubts. The convention center will tie into the already completed Mississippi Telecom building (below) or what we politely refer to as the "Whataburger" building.


I, for one, am optimistic. Downtown Jackson is undergoing a renaissance of capital investment, renovation and renewal. There is something on the order of $2 billion dollars worth of active investment taking place at the moment, not just kooky ideas floating around, but hard dollar investments. The two buildings will encompass more than 330,000 square feet of meeting space and associated facilities.

The first multi-story building in 25 years is being built at the corner of Capitol and Lamar which is called The Pinnacle at Jackson Place. The structure of the building has been completed and the finish work is well underway.

Also, the renovation of the historical King Edward Hotel and Farish Street Revitaliztion are both well into development.

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WTF?

There are times, I think, in life, when you've just worn out your welcome on Planet Earth. You're done, finished, kaput. We've tried to accept you into our law-abiding, life-loving, and forgiving society only to see you break the rules, over and over and over again. You've been reprimanded for conduct unbecoming of a 21st century human being before, offered help to mend your evil ways, yet again, here you are facing the fruit of your sins.

For people like you, there should be a simple solution. There should be no more opportunity for you to slip and slide and suckle the kind breast of society. Ours is a nation of laws and we should not have to support you any longer after the powers that be determine your fate. The end of you will not come soon enough and we will all pay the price along the way.

Here is the latest lousy motherfucker to ever crawl from underneath a rock:


Photo Courtesy: Clarion Ledger

This is one Toriano Holmes, age 33, father and boyfriend.

Mr. Holmes has never been able to follow the rules and seems to have always made his own. Yesterday was the end of that.

Mr. Holmes has an impressive extra-curricular activity record; convictions for burglary, cocaine possession, aggravated assault, probation revoked for showing up in court drunk. I'm sure there is more.

But yesterday. . .oh yesterday could we have you back.

Yesterday, this maggot decided that someone no longer deserved to live. He was God, for an instant. An uncaring God, a merciless God, a terrible God.

Mr. Holmes, in a fit of violence, "allegedly" stabbed his girlfriend, Tracy Collier 26 times before "allegedly" running over her bleeding body with a car in the front yard of her home yesterday. And as horrendous and mind-numbingly violent as this may seem, the worst part, the part that really tears me up is the fact that she was the mother of four of his children.

Now they get to grow up without a mother OR a father.

You sir, are a fucking disgrace to the human race and sadly it'll be 30 years before you get the well deserved punishment that you've so rightfully earned. Damn you to hell you evil bastard.

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Compaction. . .

Physics is all around you and you don't even know it.



Pressure is force per unit area. Get it?

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Big Gun. . .

I'll be the first one to admit that I am not much of a Civil War historian and I'll leave the discussions of the reasoning why, results and aftermath to those who care to argue amongst themselves in futility.

Personally, I think it's a very dark and disturbing chapter of America's history and if we could only turn back the clock. . .

When I come to Vicksburg I am intrigued by the history and the relics of the era. Like the giant cannon below. This thing is gigantic, nearly five feet high at the "cascabel" or the little knob-like protrusion from the rear of the barrel. I cannot even imagine having to move this thing around either by horse or man. I've hiked the hills, hollows, valleys and gullies of the terrain that makes up the Loess bluffs from Vicksburg to Natchez. There are some serious grade differences and I simply cannot fathom how they moved this thing around.




And it must have been something to touch this mother off too. In this spirit of giving, I'm certain it was better to give than receive.

There is an antebellum home in Vicksburg named Cedar Grove which bears the scars of war to this day in the form of a cannonball still lodged in a wall of the home.

The poor fellows outlined in this historical marker did not fare well either, leaving me with the bitter truth that war is truly hell.

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Rolling Down The River. . .

Here is the Mississippi as she stands today. The Army Corps of Engineers indicates that the river stage at Vicksburg is 50.0 and is expected to crest at 51.0 on the 19th. The 1927 flood stage record is 56.0 and we shouldn't get close to that barring any overwhelming rains. However, portions of Vicksburg have already flooded and substantial croplands have been impacted to the north and south.

The good news is that upriver, the levels are beginning to go down. You can access the data HERE.

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Oh, The Irony. . .

This is my garden as it stands this afternoon. As you can see I am growing a wide variety of high-density polyethylene and polyethylene terephthalate. Looks like it's going to be a bumper crop this year.



The real truth is, I am wasting valuable polyCARBONate plastics in an effort to save my vegetables from a freeze that is coming this evening. In 1957 the low was 37 degrees. Tonight it is expected to drop to 31 degrees. A 50 year old record soon to be broken in central Mississippi. What can I do?



I've wasted 28 valuable plastic garbage bags and several grocery store bags for what?

I planted this garden with the idea that I can "take up" some carbon by growing plants, while feeding myself, family and friends, therefore saving gas by not having to drive to the grocery store to purchase vegetables and subsequently helping protect the environment from the proliferation of carbon.



Ironically, it is carbon that my plants thrive on and now I am choking them to death inside of an impervious carbon sack that will slowly fill with the exudations of oxygen from the plants themselves hoping that tomorrow I can release them from their corrosive prison once the "Global Warming" takes back over.

Do I waste the plastic carbon to save my plants so I don't create more carbon by having to drive all over looking for new plants or buying vegetables from a carbon belching grocery store? Or do I let them die, because the carbon bags will eventually end up useless in a landfill anyway and then drive all over buying new plants while producing carbon with my vehicle that other plants will happily suck up? Would that create more or less carbon?



I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter anyway. I could just buy a few carbon credits, ditch the guilt and confusion, and let Al Gore take care of the problem.

You know, for a place that's supposed to be warming, I got news for ya, it's awful cold Al. And you're an idiot.

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Hey, You Sure You Know How To Read Those?

the answer:

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Three Little "Piggies". . .

Today, I had the privilege of meeting and hanging out with "The Sassy Sows" who are an interesting group of gals with one common purpose. . .PORK RIBS!!!

They have been competing in local and regional BBQ contests for about three years now and as you can see from the photo below have won several competitions and placed 4th in the rib category at the coveted Memphis In May cookoff.


I've never been to any of these competitions until today, but I have friends involved in the judging through MBN and who have encouraged me to go through the process of being certified to judge or possibly to compete, which sounds exciting. Really, I'm only interested in having another reason to drink Heineken on the weekend.

The Sassy Sows were smooth and in control during the run-up to the judging and I must admit as a veteran of many culinary competitions myself, the girls were well prepared! The tension was palpable, but there was nothing to fear. . .there are few constants in the Universe: gravity, life and death, and the Sassy Sows!!




Once the judges arrived is when "real" grease came out.



When you enter The Sassy Sows pig pen, it's all on! Full service BBQ at it's finest! An explanation of the equipment, the type of smoking wood used, techniques, etc. . .



a tasting. . .



I saw a couple of teams there with elaborate trailers, electronic monitoring, high dollar sponsors like Georgia-Pacific, blowers for fire boxes, blah blah.

The Sassy Sows? I think I heard one of them say we don't need all that "stuff".



Their recipe for success is: combine two small smokers, 100 pounds of smoking wood, 1 fine BBQ sauce, 27 cups of cultured Mississippi ladies and a half cup of edgy whoopass. Mix well, let simmer and stand back!

No judge left The Sassy Sows without a smile.



And some spectators even wanted to take a little Sassy Sow home with them.



So, did they win? Well, ya'll just gotta stay tuned! I'll let ya know soon.

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It's Over. . .

The summation of my last week:

Monday was typical take it in the nads all day until you can make it to the safety of home. Tuesday insignificant. But Wednesday and Thursday, I had to sit through two days of the most excruciating continuing education classes that have ever been dreamed up by somebody's sadistic dungeon of a mind. Our teachers, if given photos of their asses and holes in the ground. . .well, you understand.

And Friday was seven hours of travel for one and a half hour of work. If anyone has seen my ass, as I'm sure part of it is still attached to some random seat somewhere between Gulfport and Jackson, please return it, unused, if possible.

Yet, there is always some sad example of "this could be you" happening to some poor soul on the planet. Just when you think YOU are having a bad day. . .



Ok, back to blogging!!

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When Will I Ever Learnt. . .

Ok, I go to work early and I usually stop by the 24/7 Mickey D's around the corner from the office to grab a biscuit and a cup of joe. I know, it's probably what's adding to my ever-spreading girth, which I'm having a hard time dealing with because I've been rail skinny my entire life, but I blame no one but myself. Ok, I blame Heineken too.

So this McDonald's. I will now refer to it as "the place that can't seem to get their shit together".

At the place where they can't seem to get their shit together, I order. Then I repeat my order. Sometimes I have to repeat my order again. A couple of days ago, they didn't even acknowledge that I was out there at the speaker waiting like a fool for longer than I care to admit. I left. Eventually.

McDonald's has simplified the menu to the point where you no longer have to say anything outside of a number or size and I'm sure this is to accommodate our ever sagging collective intelligence in America.

My usual order, because I am a creature of habit goes like this:

Unhappy McDonald's Employee: Can I get yo otter?

ME: Yes please, I would like a number three with a medium orange juice and a large black coffee please, thank you.

Unhappy McDonald's Employee: What?

ME: Yes please, I would like a number three with a medium orange juice and a large black coffee please, thank you.

Unhappy McDonald's Employee: What was dat?

ME: Gimme dat numba tree wit a unggge joose and a large cawfee.

Unhappy McDonald's Employee: Dat'll be $4.29, dri up.

I'm not making this up. If I were, I'd be a bigot. Sadly, this is the hard truth.

The epiphany I had in that moment of frustration has led to a little experiment. I am trying my new found language at other restaurants in Jackson. . .well, mostly at the restaurants where communicating through a speaker is the norm.

At the Popeye's, I no longer politely ask for the crispy two piece chicken meal with a biscuit please.

I bark: Gimme dat two peas criss wit a bisit. And I no won't no drank.

Then I drive up and get curious looks from the staff as I return to the Queen's English my mother forced on me as a child. I'm almost certain my food gets doctored from time to time, but I'm willing to sacrifice for my mad little experiment.

Back to Mc'D's.

Regularly, my order is screwed. Leaving off cheese, not including the hash brown, putting the cinnamon roll in the box upside down so I have to scrape the icing out of the bottom of the box. Really people, just how hard is it to cook at McDonald's? It's not like there is a raft of prep cooks in the back tending to large vats of veal stock or rolling up foie gras "torchons" in cheesecloth for later poaching.

This cooking is: remove cold, precooked meat product, heat to serving temperature, put on bun. And they even have pictographs to help them remember the sequence. Why can't I get the cheese I so crave in the mornings???

I'm not sure who is more afflicted. Them, because they can't "read" a picture or me because I keep showing up expecting quality service. And the attitude from the employees of this store is just horrendous.

Lately, I've been grumbling to myself how I wished I knew who to write so I can complain and 'lo and behold, today, posted on the drive-through windows was exactly THAT. "Please send you comments and complaints to the person who has the worst job on the planet."

Now I am confounded. Do I write the letter? And if I so, which language do I use?

I guess I'll be going to Sonic from now on.

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Arno's Fish. . .

Looks like the big bass are finally beginning to bite. All of the yearling bass and two year bass are quite active in the pond here, but the lunkers are slow to warm up.



This one weighed 5 pounds 15 ounces and is a Florida large mouth variety. Last year two 11+ pounders were caught, one by Arno and the other by this crazy one-eyed bastard whose whole family got arrested for fighting with another family from down the street.

Well, it is Mississippi after all.

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My Best Andy Rooney. . .

Ever wonder who the cute little redhead in the Sonic commercials are?

Ok, maybe it's just me.

Anyway, leave it to me to find out. Her name is Molly Erdman and she has a blog called Erdmania. And it's rather comical that no matter how many times she writes that she is, in fact, the Sonic chick, people still post comments asking, "Hey, aren't you the Sonic chick?" America just gets dumber by the minute.

She's got a pretty good wit, stop by and check it out. Maybe she'll give you a free Frito Pie.

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Who Are These People??

And don't forget to "Crank Dat Yank". Is that anything like being crunk?

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Strange Plant. . .

These creepy looking plants are all over the place and it's an uphill battle trying to control these pesky boogers around the yard. Those spines on the leaves are laser sharp and can penetrate even the heaviest of gloves as I found out painfully last year. And apparently the only thing that can get near them are bumblebees and stinkbugs. There is one of these plants right on the tree line behind the house that has 12 stinkbugs on it. Weird. In this photo, you can just make out a couple of stinkbugs just above the bee.

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